The year that never was ...

Present - June 2009 ; My last blog was written in October 2007, what happened between then and now. well ... funny as it may sound .. I have no idea !!

Last I checked, the phrase "time flew by" was only a super sized metaphor. When did it seep into my life and manifest itself in all its glory?

2007 is vivid for its beautiful and promising beginning and for its confusing and unforgiving ending .. but 2008 .. is not even hazy .. its just blank.

Why this surprises me is because I have always lived my life passionately, savouring each and every moment pleasant or unpleasant, so that it is deeply imprinted in my memory and can be relived at my will. The unpleasant moments are not really savoured but yet are experienced in their full vigour and splendor. Unpleasant times make us feel myriad emotions - remorse that good times are gone, faith that better times are around the corner or ... despair for no good is in sight, compassion for people who have seen similar or worse times, gratitude for people who stand by us in trying times and most of all humility at our volatile valour. Thus difficult times although not relished shake us and let all these emotions and feelings settle in and sit comfortably at the hem of our memory.

A lot of shit happened in 2008 .. I know that factually, only nothing left a footprint. Now when I look back I remember nothing after February last year when I felt vividly alive and drunk on new experiences and adventures. But my mind draws a blank after that. I rake my brain to put together the pieces and reconstruct the over 300 days that passed without imprinting themselves in my memory.

It wasn't a particularly happy year, this 2008, which leads me to think that could my brain have consciously deleted the memories to save myself from the accompanied unpleasant feelings. I know I was quite depressed for most of the year because of the unwanted chain of events that were thrust upon me as my destiny and my unsuccessful attempts to deal with it.. But what gets me thinking is that I do not remember feeling depressed. I do not remember feeling at the bottom of the pit which I am sure I felt.

Life being ephemeral and all that .. I feel like I have been robbed of those days and those memories. But I know that it is the strongest defense mechanism that my mind can formulate. It is a rescue attempt by the brain to save the mind from getting into a self destructive spiral. An attempt to restrain the mind from delving into the darkness and salvage the sanity that remains. Robbed I was of some intense feelings but thankful all the same.

I will reconstruct the past and rethink the thoughts to make sure I do not miss out on any important lessons that life might have taught me while I busy being depressed and my mind was busy scavenging my sanity. But I will do so dispassionately for I do not feel so much .. for 2008 .. the year that never was...

Luck'-ill-luck'

I wrote my first blog as an undercover agent for a secret society in my college. My assignment required me to write an incisive article on a topic that would offend a class of people and then give seething reply to their comments. Well, what can I say, I did a great job and the article was loved by the very people it was meant to get under the nerves of. Needless to say the operation was a success but my writing career didn’t see the great heights it was meant to. As luck would have it .. I am back !

I know the millions and millions of readers who devour each and every word of each and every blog are waiting with bated breaths to know what brings me back. No it’s not another secret mission and no, I am not intent on hurting the sentiments of any section of people this time.

I am here because I am living in a time where my life is devoid of any gainful obsession, addiction or .. routine. For 20+ yrs life has kept me at my toes and this time of much longed for solitude is now a nemesis, or so I assume. “An idle mind is a devil’s workshop”, probably wins hands down in the contest for the most clichéd phrase, but I am amazed at the amount of truth that lies in this brevity. Lack of focus on one thing has let my mind wander aimlessly in thousand directions. The outcome; A concoction of thoughts, dreams, visions and reality. Is that bad? Now that is the question that I am trying to answer.

This time of non occupation has presented itself like a blank canvass to me which I can paint the way I want to. There is no restriction of time and space. There is no expectation of order or pattern. This has stimulated my mind in ways I didn’t know it could be. I have broken the assumptions and premises and asked the most quintessential questions about life and searched for answers. The way the answers have evolved has been almost therapeutic. My time in my hands is like a magician’s hat, each time I put my hand in, I take out a new idea to analyze, a new topic to read about, a new guitar tablature to play, a new way to budget, a new dinner recipe, a new business proposition, a new investment plan, a new way to decorate my home, a new theme to write on … the list goes on …

But then there is the cloud to the silver lining. There are still these nagging questions - Am I making the best use of my time? Is being happy in the moment what we look for in life or are my actions adding up for one big climax? Am I best managing my resources so as to secure my future? Is the thought about future dependable enough to waste my present fretting? Will I be able to reap something from this time I am spending now? Am I supposed to reap something from something? Or am I here merely to do my Karma? What is my Karma? Should I detach myself from the world around me and try to realize my oneness with the world? Or should I let myself be engulfed by every single sensation in order to live it in the most fulfilling way? Should I spend time pondering on these questions or should I just shrug them aside and go about my daily chores?

So am I lucky to have this time when I can focus my latent energies on learning and knowledge acquisition, discover my hidden talents or sharpen my acumen for the time when I will need it. OR am I unlucky for getting caught in destructive spiral of self doubt, frustrating existential questions and lack of concrete answers.

The more I think about this cognitive dissonance, the more pronounced it gets. And while I am actively caught in this maze I am also watching it with a detached amusement and quipping about it.

So until my tormented soul finds peace (uh .. well .. not by way of nearing my creator but by finding my way out of this dilemma) I shall continue to write …

Misfortune

I am the vile of the mind

I am the only of my kind

I am the murk in the sky

I am the fear in your eye

I am the gloom in silence

I am the barb of the fence

I am the tear that went dry

I tend to smirk when you cry

I am the thought that holds you back

I am the beauty that you lack

I am the stillness of the night

I am a dreamer by daylight

I am a song sung out of tune

I am my only misfortune …