The year that never was ...

Present - June 2009 ; My last blog was written in October 2007, what happened between then and now. well ... funny as it may sound .. I have no idea !!

Last I checked, the phrase "time flew by" was only a super sized metaphor. When did it seep into my life and manifest itself in all its glory?

2007 is vivid for its beautiful and promising beginning and for its confusing and unforgiving ending .. but 2008 .. is not even hazy .. its just blank.

Why this surprises me is because I have always lived my life passionately, savouring each and every moment pleasant or unpleasant, so that it is deeply imprinted in my memory and can be relived at my will. The unpleasant moments are not really savoured but yet are experienced in their full vigour and splendor. Unpleasant times make us feel myriad emotions - remorse that good times are gone, faith that better times are around the corner or ... despair for no good is in sight, compassion for people who have seen similar or worse times, gratitude for people who stand by us in trying times and most of all humility at our volatile valour. Thus difficult times although not relished shake us and let all these emotions and feelings settle in and sit comfortably at the hem of our memory.

A lot of shit happened in 2008 .. I know that factually, only nothing left a footprint. Now when I look back I remember nothing after February last year when I felt vividly alive and drunk on new experiences and adventures. But my mind draws a blank after that. I rake my brain to put together the pieces and reconstruct the over 300 days that passed without imprinting themselves in my memory.

It wasn't a particularly happy year, this 2008, which leads me to think that could my brain have consciously deleted the memories to save myself from the accompanied unpleasant feelings. I know I was quite depressed for most of the year because of the unwanted chain of events that were thrust upon me as my destiny and my unsuccessful attempts to deal with it.. But what gets me thinking is that I do not remember feeling depressed. I do not remember feeling at the bottom of the pit which I am sure I felt.

Life being ephemeral and all that .. I feel like I have been robbed of those days and those memories. But I know that it is the strongest defense mechanism that my mind can formulate. It is a rescue attempt by the brain to save the mind from getting into a self destructive spiral. An attempt to restrain the mind from delving into the darkness and salvage the sanity that remains. Robbed I was of some intense feelings but thankful all the same.

I will reconstruct the past and rethink the thoughts to make sure I do not miss out on any important lessons that life might have taught me while I busy being depressed and my mind was busy scavenging my sanity. But I will do so dispassionately for I do not feel so much .. for 2008 .. the year that never was...